Quinn (lovelyxsick) wrote,

Last night we came home to a note on our door saying our apartment was too messy and that we had by Monday evening to clean it. James of course worked all day today. I stated panicking when I saw the note, then I started shutting down. James kept telling me I had to snap out of it and that I couldn't do this and he needed me to be strong. I didn't like that. It wasn't said gently or in a way that seemed for my benefit. It sounded like he was saying I couldn't do this to him. He might have not been saying that,  but that's how I took it. Telling me I'm not allowed to panic is a really bad way to get me to stop panicing.

Then I was so out of it I stepped on his bad toe. It hurt him a lot, I could tell he was restraining himself from punching the shower wall. Cue me crying. Still in obvious pain, he told me that he was busy going to clean by himself, for me to go to bed and that he would clean all night.

That surprised me and made me freak out. Instantly I know he's mad at me, I fucked up,  he doesn't think I can do anything right and how dare he abandon me in the shower,  why is he doing this to me, I'm not a child, I'mso angry. I don't think I've ever been angrywith him before. In my head I knew I wasn't in a very rational place.

But I also knew it was going to be alright. At least, it was before he left me in the shower. I think I imagined venom in his voice when he told me he would do everything himself. I had told him that I can't handle the sudden surprise of the note. And I couldn't, not one bit. I shut down. I couldn't speak.

So he didn't know that I was going to be okay. I didn't tell him that I needed to shut down and to just process tonight, that I would be okay when I woke up, and that I could do it. That I'm good at fake-cleaning, so that it looks clean when it is secretly unorganized and messy. I didn't tell him that I needto cry and get it out off the way so I can move on and get down to business.

I couldn't speak, so I didn't tell him any of this.

So he didn't know.

He didn't think I was going to be okay. I mean, I wasn't okay,  I was nonresponsive. I understand now that there was no way he could have known. And he knew the fate of our apartment could depend on this. And that if I couldn't do it he would have to do it himself. 

All I knew is that I was hurt. That I was going to be okay, that I just needed time. I didn't know why he couldn't give me time. Why was he going to stay up all night? ! Was he being spiteful? I was sure he was angry with me. He shouldn't be angry with me for getting anxious about this predicament!  How was I supposed to notbe upset?  How dare he tell me that I'm not allowed to get upset!

I thought that since I was hurt, I was right.

Like I said, I wasn't rational. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself about that.

I eventually got out of the shower and tried to confront him. Because even though I couldn't explain it, I was not okay with what went down . And since I had been hurt, it must be right.
I wasnt even thinking of what it must have felt like for him.

So of course i did a pretty bad job expresing my still muddled feelings. Frustrated tones of voice were used. I belligirently exclaimed that if he was going to stay up all night cleaning then SO WAS I.And i wanted to know why either of us needed to clean tonight anyways. The answer of course being that since i was obviously in no shape to be cleaning even tomorrow, he needed to get as much as he could get done tonight.

Somehow i eventually managed to convay that i was still planning on coming back home tomorrow after i dropped him off at work and then spend the rest of the day cleaning myself. (I thought that had always been the plan, i dont ever remember saying i wouldnt.)

Things got quiter after that. We headed to bed and i apologized for getting angry at him. i knew it wasnt fair to expect him to read my mind, since i wasnt using my words. (side note: sometimes i just canttalk and its incredibly frustrating and even trying to remember hand signs or to try and find other ways of communicating is too difficult and i dont know what to do about it.)

Today i drove an hour  to drop him off at work and then an hour backhome, i slept for an hour and a half and then i cleaned, i finished quickly and remembered to stay hydrated, although i forgot to eat. i finished every room except for the kitchen and rested for a little while before picking him up. He was amazed and happy and i felt so good. it seemed so sily that i wouldnt be ablw to rock this cleaning business. i mean, hes the one that gets overheelmed trying to deal waith the third room, i never get overwhelmed about anything especially not cleaning (sarcasm)

TLDR: I LOVE MY BEAR AND MY BEAR LOVES MEand also i dont know where i put anything, lol

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