You know, I'm actually pretty lucky. I'm gay and dress... alternativily..., but since middle school, I've never really been bullied! I've gotten my fair share of rude comments ("halloween was last month, you whore" being the worst), not to mention that creepy online stalker incident, but I think I'm doing good! I guess the kids in my town are pretty chill, but it's probably also because I don't put up with that kind of stuff. Whenever someone in school has said something inappropriate to me, I've always had it dealt with swiftly. (I guess I go to one of those good schools where the adults actually listen)
Who is the biggest bully in your life?
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If I had to point out the biggest bully in my life, I'd have to pick my father. You know, he's a great uncle, an awesome brother, a fantastic worker, and a wonderful coach. But he's kind of a sub-par husband. I hate listening to the way he speaks to my mom. He berates her and often times makes her feel stupid. It's not so bad that I would call it "abuse", but it's definetly bullying. (In highschool he even bullied my favorite Italian teacher!!) But my mom deals with it. Her happiness doesn't depend on him. And to reiterate, he's not awful. He's just a $@^(#!*^! (<-my last name) boy.
I was going to post more....
But then I didn't.
(kind of like how I was going to go bed early)
Like okay I'm back uhh where to start. But I guess it's probably okay to just jump back in to telling probably no one about my life that they are probably not interested in. So umm here goes:
Haha yeah right.
So. My life is pretty crazy busy right now! I don't have my therapist appointment today, since I've been doing better and only see her once every other week now. Today I'll probably go home and lay prostrate on the couch watching Netflix before the one month trial expires (Father: we need to save money. No netflix. Me: Or we could just stop spending thousands of dollars to make unecessary changes to our house??). Tomorrow there's DnD, also paycheck! I should also be picking up I Will Never Return vol 2 and possibly Border vol 2, and oh yeah I should probably pay for the other half of that $80 box of magica cards that will be here friday...
Have I mentioned that I have serious problems spending money? Because. I do. (who wants to see a photo of my dice collection) (lol no please it's so bad)
Edit: too late I made it my profile picture...
Hmm what else. Oh, I just registered for the ACTs today yipee actually no I don't want to take them but I had to cancle one of my SAT tests because it's on the same date as the Japanese Subject test wahhh
I'm not sure what else to include... I'm a pretty different person right now! I can't believe I didn't update for almost a year... well last year was pretty ugh, I took a semester off and therefor did not graduate with all my friends. Aaaaand Ruth and I broke up
that was almost a year ago too and I'm still not over it?? But to clarify, when I say a different person... it's not that my interests have changed too much! (I'm a bit more geeky now probably) Even my personality isn't too different I guess I'm kind of really sadistic and enjoy messing with people in my free dime now but ehh. The biggest change I've experianced in the last year has to do with my mental state. I'm doing so much better! I've grown up a lot. Not to say that I'm not struggling a lot, but somehow it all feels more manageable. I don't think I'm as much of my own worst enemy anymore!
But anyways I need to eat lunch or something
uhh hi I'm back long time no see
so uh what's going on did I miss anything
In my life recently:
x Stressing about college
x Doing a lot better than previous years
x Ugh these freshmen
x Got my lisence
x Fuck you Burger King
x Oh and I just bought a box of Innistrad...
Today is awful. Today my head feels fuzzy and I went to the nurse and ended up sleeping through the better part of three mods. I went to sleep early enough, I shouldn't be this tired. Last night I watched three characters die in two of my favorite tv shows. And my counciling appointment was horrible.
And I just found out I'm working tonight. FML.
So. Very. Not. Awake. At least I'm more sleepy than anxious, which I guess is good? I'm kinda pissed at myself for last night. So Ridiculous. I mean. Really. My mom mentioned the tutoring I had to do in five minutes, and I burst into tears. And started hyperventilating. And locked myself in the bathroom. It was awful. Then a mere fifteen minutes later I was right as rain. That bothers me. I suppose I should be happy I wasn't sobbing uncontrollably the entire night, but rapid mood swings always make me feel horrible. Like my feelings are fake.
Seeing as I'm feeling less anxious right now, I'm re-attempting to conquer the constitution. I'm getting through it, but what teh fuck am I reading. I don't even know.
DBT went okay. It was a small group, which is best, because I hate group therapy in general. But it wasn't bad. The girls seem nice. Quiet, but nice.
Ughhhh I'm so tireddddd. I thought going off my meds was going to make me less tired. Apparently not. Speaking of which, I'm completely off one of my antidepressants and one of my mood stabilizers. Whee.
Okay, yeah. Constitution means nothing to me at all.
Sleeping over Kylen's house was fun. I really like his family. His brother is cool (he bought me condoms, and magnum ones at that), his mother is cool (she encourages me to beat her son), and his sister is cute (albeit a little annoying at times). And going out to Wanokura last night was great. Three cheers for overeating. And spending $30 on more food than you know you can eat. But my mom payed me back for $25. I'm currently trying to figure out a decent way to pay for the collar I already bought with the money I'm not supposed to have [/back in bad daughter mode]. My self control has been slipping a bit as of late, so... D: B-but... I need a Ruth-Collar! >//////////< Umm, hahaha, nevermind. Let's move on.
Work was alright. I'm so glad I managed to wiggle my way out of four of those eight hours. So glad. I'm fairly certain eight hours would've killed me.
And I keep thinking I should be working on translating the constitution, but... no thanks, Mr. Liberto, I'm good.
For the first time this weekend I enjoyed fanfiction based on a TV show, and not anime or manga. Alastair is fantastic. <3 This is unusual for me, since real dick is scary. (Except when I'm tired, then it's just like uhhhh whatever)
P.s., Kayla thanks for doing my class work for me. Lol so lazy.
I really want to take a nap right now. Damanit, Addarall, make me awake already. I kinda want to skip photography (and nap) since I'm SO far ahead of the class and thus have nothing of real interest to do. But my goal today is to attempt all my classes, seeing as I'm slightly less anxious than usual.
I ordered my class ring the other day. I'm still not too sure why I even want a class ring. I don't even like our class, And I mean, I've never been big into school spirit. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE this school and they're SO good to me, but school spirit just isn't really my thing. I think I mostly just want a ring, regardless of it's signifigance, or lack thereof. So I'm making my parents pay $200+ for one. I hope I actually wear it sometimes. xD
And all of a random sudden I feel like running back (figuratively) to my imaginary friends/personas. Hmm. A little concerning. Especially since I'm ignoring Kura right now since he's only been making mean comments that aren't really mean it's just that I don't want to hear them recently. Maybe...oh, nevermind. That's not really a healthy path to go down. I'm a little too old for all this crazy shit. I'm not a creepy middle-schooler who talks to anime characters and made up people anymore. Now I just talk to- oh, damnit nevermind. I don't even know. Just forget it. I should really stop talking now, before I freak you real guys out. Other than Victoria who has in the past conversed with my... oh, Megane, please shut the fuck up already. Seriously.
So I managed to stick out all of first mod, and second mod went well. I even went to third mod for about 10 seconds! :D (Then Mr. C sent me back to transitions with Beowulf to watch). I guess right now things are going good because I'm more depressed than anxious. As negative as that sounds, it's actually a good thing. And it's certianly an improvement from previous days.
I'm not sure I can survive a whole mod of Beowulf (even in video form), but let's give it a shot!
Eww eww EWW what the fucking hell why is my beautiful Anthony Hopkins playing a fat drunk king. This is blasphemy. I hate this movie already. Oh goodness there better not be nay sex in here. Oh my god. Sex talk. Oh. Eww. Why. Mr. C are you punishing me. HOLY FU- he's naked. I could die. (But thank goodness for conviently located anything). And why do I get the horrible feeling that my precious Hannibal the Cannibal is Grendal's father. OMG HE IS. Aggh fuckkkk what is this shitttttt.
I feel kinda sick now, but school, at least, went well. It's nice for a change. Though I can't say I'm feeling too great right now, physically or otherwise, but school went well. And now I'm going home to lay on a couch and watch Supernatural with wolf boy. Anticipating no further stressors from this point on, I'm pretty pleased. PLUS I got an extra Ruth-Hug and woah I suddenly feel dizzy. Umm, yeah. I should probably lay down now. Here on this table. In the middle of the media center. Oh, I hope I don't throw up.
Fuck you medication, fuck you and your making me burst into tears five minutes before tutoring starts for no real reason at all.
Right now it's morning and only me, Kylen, Kayla, and Heather are here. I'm anxious. I'm depressed. I want my Ruth. Badly. I still feel bad about last night, I'm so stupid sometimes. So stupid with my stupid mood swings. I want to try going to class today. I hope I can, at least for a little while. My tummy hurts. I want to sleep.
Homeroom now. So I think I'm going to first mod, post- talking to Mrs. Mulvaney., even if I do nothing but journal. My tummy still hurts. I hope no one makes me take my princess crown/tiara off.
So, yeah, starting first mod off with tears. Talking doesn't always make me feel better. I love Mr. Liberto for being so understanding. but as much as I wanted and intended to do some work, it would seem to be impossible at this point. I cannot by any means read and translate the United States constitution. I can't. No way. And it's too loud in here.
When I talked to Mrs. Mulvaney before first mod started I only ended up feeling worse. But I needed to. Absolutely NEEDED to. It's tough. And my hand already hurts from writing.
I wish I wasn't in class right now. But I'm glad I am. I think in common opinion, my own included, it would be better to sit in class not doing work than sitting in transitions not doing work. If I'm still incapable of work by third mod I hope Mr. C is as understanding. I kinda want to talk to Mr. Liberto right now, but I'm afraid it'll only make me feel worse and/or cry again. I think I'll try anyways.
So talking to Mr. Liberto was nice. He's so wonderfully understanding. It was enjoyable, conversing with him. I stayed almost all class. Granted I didn't actually do any work, besides attemption, and misrably failing, to read the first of eight pages of our constitution,
Second mod went well. I finished my cartoon project! (OMG SO FAR AHEAD OF MY CLASS ASDFGHJKL) I'm not totally satisfied on my coloring job on the second part of my dress, but it's not horrible and Mr. Pinto loves it.
I don't think I'm going to third mod. I just don't feel like it. I've pushed myself a lot today. I don't want to end up needing to leave school early again. And I'd like to be somewhat calm and collected for work. Plus Beowulf overwhelms the FUCK out of me.
I'm super anxious about work tonight. Mostly because of knowing that I have to work eight hours tomorrow. I'm honestly not sure I can handle it. But I don't know what to do. I already told my boss I would, because even though I knew better she was already being so understanding of my situation, and I didn't want to let her down.
I don't know what I'm going to do last mod. In a lot of ways I hate being ahead of my class. I'm sick of Mr. Pinto's tutorials, and he hasn't given me enough data to do his website. Hmm.